Television doesn't make you look fat, just short for your weight.

I had my first television interview the other day. It wasn't exactly network prime time. It wasn't even sub-prime time. It was local cable access, which is only slightly higher on the media food chain than home movies and YouTube. It was in a real studio and the host was a real television personality, albeit one from the days before color. There were lights and multiple cameras and comfortable chairs to sit in. There was a disembodied voice from the control room making things sound more important than they probably were. All-in-all an interesting experience.

The host started the show by asking a few simple questions. I was feeling pretty good. I had all the answers and I didn't "Ummm or Ahhhhh" at all. It was then that things started to spiral out of control. The host took it upon himself to read a bit of the book, something that I was told we wouldn't do because, with the exception of a few people from England, who want to see someone read out of a book on T.V. The problem was that these were the only three sentences he read: "Biochemical linkages between rapidly urbanizing coastal watershed. Mediation of benthic-pelagic coupling by life cycle patterns and vertical mixing. Spatial and temporal variability...." (I can't even finish typing them they're so esoteric).

I heard the words but couldn't believe it. This was how he was going to represent my book? My mouth hung open. I looked into the camera lens and I could see all the way down the cable, into the living rooms, and directly upon the now glazed-over eyes of all twelve viewers (at least I hoped there were only twelve). Who would by a book like this? Nobody. I went into damage control immediately and spent the remainder of the show trying to convince whoever was still awake that this was all taken out of context and the book was loaded with funny bits in words that averaged only two syllables. The show finally ended and at that point I knew exactly how Richard Nixon felt - the media was after me too.